Subway Etiquette

I figured it is about time to give everyone some hints on how to really get on the Shanghai subway and ride it to your next stop just like the Chinese like to do. Here are the etiquette rules:

Numero Uno:
1. Scratch the word etiquette out of anything that has to do with getting on the subway.

Prior to Train Arrival:
2. When you get to the platform, find a standing lane line sectioned off right where the doors stop
3. Place your feet face front of the standing lane lines. If there is a person already there get close enough where you can stick your tongue out and lick their earlobe. Be prepared for others to do the same.

As the train approaches:
4. Place your hand on the lower back of the person in front of you and push them slightly...they should get the hint and move up until they are almost on the tracks.
5. Gently lift your other arm and elbow, locking it in place. Braise yourself for a running marathon start with your free arm ready to flail.

When the train door opens:
6. Don't wait for anyone to get off.
7. Push the person in front of you with full body force.
8. Use the other arm to push people out of the way (HINT: If you have a bigger bootie, the basketball box out move works great too)
9. SPRINT
10. FIND A SEAT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.
11. Try to do these all at the same time!